Recorded thoughts of Meister Su-Mi
I’ve heard it. The noises - from their room. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to accommodate Siria and Lumen together? Siria is reckless, dangerous and without ethics. Lumen… I don’t know. As much as it pains me, I do not think she’s been forced. Quite the contrary, I fear. Can’t stop thinking about it. Can’t stop imagining it. I can see them. I hear them. Arius knows this is wrong. I’ve punished myself, but it doesn’t seem to help. There’s no peace. Prayer does nothing. Nothing does nothing.
I’ve betrayed them. I deserve this. Perhaps this is Arius testing me. It may be that this is a test - to see, if I can manage. If I stay strong enough, the pain, the jealousy, it will fade. I would like to strangle elder Liam, I would, I would, I would. How dare she touch Lumen? Lumen is mine. No. No… I DO NOT possess her. She’s her own woman. She does what she wants. And still -- I’m here because of her. I could be in the monastery. In silence, in peace, spreading the word.
Let’s not fool ourselves. There’s no silence for us. We can see all those voices. Even in the monastery. Even in our room. They’re never gone. The messages are endless. Today they asked about the bruises again. They don’t know there are cuts under the garments. Bruises are merely decorative.
I’ve begun to teach Gilbert. It’s slow. We don’t have a common language, but by the might of Arius, he’s slowly starting to learn the alphabet. Soon enough he can read the Holy Scripture. That will bring us closer. I need Gilbert, I need him. I’ve poisoned my relations to others… I didn’t mean to. But they know nothing of the anger I felt. It still makes me tremble. Gilbert is the only one I have left, now that even Lumen has forsaken me.
I’m afraid. Doubts are growing inside me. What if they’re right? What if there’s something wrong with that boy? What if he has indeed done something demonic? I should exorcise him, just to be on the safe side. It won’t be easy. He’s still in the jail. I must do it. I can’t risk the whole crew. Siria suggests there’s something between me and the boy. It’s a filthy thought.
I keep failing. I keep noticing things, that aren’t there. The high, piercing pitch of the darkness. Darkness, howling inside the cavities of my head. I missed TWO incoming torpedos. I could’ve killed us all. (Wouldn’t it have been better? Wouldn’t it? Shhh, Nun, not now.)
The captain has been forgiving. I wonder why. He should hate me, like everybody else does. Still, Fortunatus seems to believe in me. I feel strangely grateful, relieved, even. If he’d know that I’m from Pacificus, he’d change his mind. But for now… I pray for him, and I ask Arius to protect him. He’s suffered greatly.
Lady Aulos sees inside my soul. I don’t like it. I’m afraid of her. What happened to her in the Throne? She’s changed. I pray for her, too.
My shows aren’t a success. But I must keep going. For the moral of the crew. For my own sake. I’m slipping, you know? I am slipping, and I don’t know how to stop it. When did it get to this? We found a transmitter from a tuna can. There were silver strings trailing from it. I don’t know what all this means.
I wish there was someone I could talk to. Valefarion is one of the craziest - I could talk to him. He’d get it. But he looks at me with strange eyes. Like he’d understand something I didn’t even -- I can’t talk to him. Besides, he’s lusty and depraved.
(Aren’t you lusty? Thinking of Siria and Lumen ALL THE TIME. No, Nun, I’m tormented, we’re tormented, it’s a different thing… I pray… I’ve punished myself. I have! If I do it well enough, without doubt, I will be salvaged. I will be. I will be.)